I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
