I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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