If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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