worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Randomize
