Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
