You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Randomize