if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
Randomize