No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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