Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Randomize
