wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
