she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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