At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
Even the bartender felt bad for me
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Randomize
