have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
