Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
