i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
