OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
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