My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
We smell like vodka and hangover
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