Don't you send me to vm
i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I just made out with a guy for $7.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Randomize
