Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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