Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
