I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
I made him laugh his dick is mine
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize