Far right against the wall..hiding come find me. dont tell oyhers hahaha
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
