Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
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