My girlfriend figured out who you are.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Randomize
