he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
