Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Randomize
