when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
