Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
