Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
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