you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
