i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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