My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Randomize
