Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
the mandatory saturday morning class for those written up by RA's turned into a gold mine...just met EVERY hot chick that parties.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
