...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Randomize
