Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
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