You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
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