sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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