I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
