nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
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