Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
