just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
