I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Randomize
