Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Randomize
