I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
i think i have two assholes
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Randomize