Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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