she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
