I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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