My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
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