i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
