Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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