You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
