You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
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