Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize