Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
you are never too drunk for berry picking
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Randomize
