he wasnt completely random
you're right. you met him once and didnt know his name. you still dont
i get things done.
Three words: puerto rican gang bang
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize