I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
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