I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize