Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
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